The Real Me

Image credit: Margan Zajdowicz

"For intelligence cleaveth unto intelligence; wisdom recieveth wisdom; truth embraceth truth; virtue loveth virtue; light cleaveth unto light . . ." - D&C 88:40.

I'm pretty sure I've only ever heard this scripture used in relationship to courtship and dating. The old adage that opposites attract is usually inaccurate. Most romantic couples have similar interests, socioeconomic status, race, ethnicity, education, religious views, political views, etc. I remember young men's leaders and seminary teachers interpreting this scripture as saying become who you want to marry.

When I develop romantic feelings for a woman, I become totally smitten. I begin to think she's totally amazing. It makes it hard because I feel like she's out of my league, and then I start to wonder about that scripture. Surely, if I'm so attracted to that woman, surely I have some of the same attributes as she does. But then I wonder, am I attracted to her because of the man I am or the man I want to be?

The thing is I always thought that when I became a grown-up, I would feel ready and be a totally different person. But I didn't feel ready, and I was still the same me. Here I am, living away from home with a job and college classes, and I still feel like a kid. I still feel lost, unsure what I should do with my life, and I still get scared. I don't know everything, and I don't know how to handle every situation, and it's hard. I just put on my public face, bluster through, and hope for the best.

Sometimes, when I'm in a social situation where there's lots of fun and laughter, I want everyone to just stop and have us all talk about our fears and disappointments and faults. I want everyone to put down their facades so I can see them how they really are. So I can see that maybe we have more in common than I think we do. So I can know them on a deeper level.

I used to try to keep this blog impersonal, but lately, I've been trying to personalize it. If I want to see other people as they really are, then I need to show them the real me. It's hard for me to express the real me. I don't know why, but it is. But it's a bit easier for me to express my real self in writing rather than speaking, so that's what I've been trying to do with this blog.

It's late at night, but the reason I'm writing this post is because I just got back from a fun game night with some friends from work. It's kind of a weird feeling for me to be getting along with people from work, but I suppose it shouldn't. I mean, I remember when I worked landscaping, we had way too much fun. It was kind of amazing, really. And then I love the preschool ladies that I work with, but I have a hard time expressing that to them. For some reason, I feel weird that I feel like I'm clicking with some of the people at my summer job right now. But even though I had a lot of fun, I felt like I didn't quite belong. I felt a sense of disconnect. I usually feel like I don't belong, but maybe this bugs me because I feel like I should belong or that I want to belong. Anyway, I know I'm gonna have a hard time sleeping, so I decided that I should write a post to ease my emotions.

I want to end with something that I was reminded of as I was writing this. It's no secret that I love Kung Fu Panda, and one of my favorite aspects of the film is the theme. I love that Po discovers that even though he's a big, fat panda, he's enough. He can't use conventional methods to learn kung fu, but he does learn it. One of my favorite parts is when he's explaining to Tai Lung that the secret to the dragon scroll is the person looking at it, and then he smiles at his reflection. It's beautiful.